(Quoted from the movie Batman ~ 1989)
No, but I've seen him laughing at me.
Almost 2 years ago, I quit my antidepressant cold turkey and suffered some intense withdrawal. With my mind and body weakened by a very stupid decision, the devil took the opportunity to attack my soul. During that time, in my mind's eye, I could literally see him laughing at me. Since then, I have seen his minion as well ~ usually in my nightmares.
Two nocturnal plagues have afflicted me my entire life ~ insomnia and nightmares. There's some irony in fighting to sleep only to be haunted by horrifying images when you finally do. I can vividly remember as an adult nightmares I had as a child. Like the one where a monstrous arm erupted out of a snow bank and ripped the head off of a girl playing nearby. Or the one where tall, slender apparitions, looking very much like they could have been Muppets, floated through my bedroom window, down the hall, and into my parents' room, completely freaking me out. I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time.
My nightmares can be classified into 3 categories: stress induces, PTS related, and spiritual attack. Each has a very distinct flavor. Generally, stress induced nightmares keep to a theme of natural disasters - most often tornadoes. PTS related nightmares usually involve very bloody, violent death. Spiritual nightmares are apparently sport for the afflicting forces, because the images take on a life of their own and freak me to the nth degree.
Since the initial visual introduction, my senses seem to have been heightened and honed, at least when it comes to my own spiritual battles, and I have had the clarity of vision to see the tormentor behind the facade. I am only capable of seeing demons on my own battlefield, but I am recognizing them nonetheless.
Earlier this week, I went a solid 40 hours without sleep. Ten years ago, this would have been a minor bump on the road 'round my world. Being a little older now, this all but completely incapacitated me. Mercifully, I was off that day, though my schedule didn't have much wiggle room for a nap. Somehow, I managed to find an hour to lie down and present my plea to God to allow me to rest. I can't say for sure whether or not I slept. Nor whether or not I dreamed. But I did do something.
Ever been in a state where you seem to be drifting off, yet you are still fully aware of what is going on around you, and you are completely unable to respond? Had my house been on fire, I would have recognized it, but I would have been unable to escape ~ such was my state of being at the time. It was what I imagine an out of body experience must be like. I knew the cat was lying beside me and I could hear vehicles traveling up and down the road as the images started forming in my mind. I knew I was no longer actively praying, but I also knew that I had been trying to renounce this demon since my head hit the pillow. Then, slowly, out of the fog in my mind, came the face of the day's evil. Acknowledging that I was dealing with, I attempted to renounce this evil, relying on a script I have tried before without success, when suddenly everything about me changed. From out of nowhere, it seemed, I had been doused with a confidence of which I had no idea I was capable combined with the stereotyped attitude of a righteous black women who had just proven you wrong. Though I couldn't see the look on my face, I could certainly see the look of surprise on the demon's face and the tuck of his tail as he slinked away by the command of a woman empowered by Christ. It was as if something crawled inside of me and took over, tapping into a
power source I never know was available.
It was unsettling. And it
concerns me. Because how is God power going to use this now that I know I
have it?
What a bazaar experience. Not only am I not sure if I slept, but I'm not 100% certain whether or not I really did battle that day. What I do know is that I have enjoyed relatively pleasant sleep for the past few nights.
