Thursday, October 31, 2013

Questioning

God and I do not exactly have a history of seeing eye to eye.  I have spent years questioning God's plan for my life.  Yet, I have finally come to a place where I may question in the moment of frustration and then, when the moment settles, I trust that He knows what He's doing and let Him lead the way.

Through my involvement with Kairos Prison Ministry I have come to know a resident who has been locked up for 28 years.  Though I have no idea of the person she was when she arrived in the correctional system, I do know the strong Christian woman that she had become.  She served the Lord and Kairos wholeheartedly and was a mentor to many.

When she served the most recent Kairos team as a Resident Angel, she mentioned that she would be going before the powers that be about her release, and that she would appreciate our prayers in this regard.  Of course, we were all willing to pray on her behalf.  Four weeks later, at a Kairos monthly reunion, we learned that this resident had indeed been granted her release!!  I can't vouch for anyone else, but I was elated!  However, this resident had also been in the hospital for serious health concerns, and additional prayer was sought.  This week, we learned that this resident has indeed gone home ~ to be with the Lord.

Reading that email, my heart broke.  She was 3 weeks away from being released from prison after 28 years inside, she rejoiced in the knowledge that such freedom had been granted, and the delight of seeing the other side of those walls was taken from her.  How unfair!  Why would God answer her prayers for freedom, and then never let her taste that freedom?  Why would He dangle that carrot only to steal it away in the 11th hour?  I thought God was supposed to be just!  I thought He was supposed to work for the good of those who believe in Him!  How could He do this?!

I had quite the little tissy-fit on my soap-box that morning.  And then I stepped off of it, remembering that I will never understand the greatness of God this side of heaven.  Clearly, He had a better idea of what this beloved sister needed then I, and He is never unjust, never unfair ~ though our insufficient mortal eyes are not always capable of recognizing this.  I do not pretend to know why she was in prison, but I do know that she had long been free in Christ.  And I do not pretend to know why God took her when she was so close to going home, but I do know that He took her to His home.

When I was a kid and questioning authority, my dad would tell me, "It's not mine to question why.  It's only mine to do or die."  Coming from a hard-core Italian, I understood this to mean "just do what you're told."  But as a Christian, I understand this more fully to mean that I am not always intended to understand His callings in life ~ I am only meant to listen and obey so that I am able to live in Him and will not parish into a forever death.  I am not meant to understand the perceived unfairness of this circumstance, I am only meant to trust that God had something greater in mind.

God bless you, sweet Kairos sister.  You will be dearly missed.