I always get a giggle when people call faith in Jesus Christ a "crutch". If my faith is a crutch, it's a rickety, dilapidated crutch that keeps slipping out from under me. My life has never been more complicated since recommitting my life to Christ, partly because I will forever fall short of His mark, but more so because He likes to ask things of me that seem impossible.
Now, before you go quoting the second half of Matthew 19:26, try to remember the first ~ "With man this is impossible." (NIV) Even more so with bull-headed, spiteful ME are some of these things impossible. Allow me to give you the latest example of the spiritual 2x4 upside the head that seems to be an impossible request.
Every time I prep for a ministry retreat I receive some new insight, and the current Kairos team formation is no exception. These usually come during a guided meditation, which makes sense when you think about it. Meditations are designed to bring your mind to a place where it can see more clearly. This particular meditation asked us to picture ourselves sitting in the shade of a palm tree on a peaceful beach. As we look out over the water, we hear someone walk up and sit beside us. We look over to see Jesus, sitting with us, enjoying sights and sounds of the surf. After a time, Jesus looks at us and asks, "My child, what can I do for you?"
We are actually expected to answer this question?! The savior of the world, the man who died for me, is asking what more He can do for me? Because being scourged and crucified wasn't enough? How do I answer this? But in a moment, the answer came. I told Him I needed Him to love me the way my family doesn't.
Anyone who knows me well knows that my relationship with my family (husband and sons excluded) is strained at best. It would be safe to say that at this point it is pretty much non-existent. I haven't spoken to my dad in over 3 years, I haven't been able to get my mother to return a phone call in almost 2 months, my brother and I merely tolerate each other for the family's sake, and my sister is giving me the silent treatment because I decided to attend my friend's wedding instead of the family holiday shindig (long story there.) Not exactly feeling the love here. But even the red-headed step-child deserves to be loved, and this red-headed step-child knows that the unconditional love of which my earthly family seems to be incapable will forever flow from the Ultimate Big Brother and my family in His spirit.
The meditation continues by asking us to picture ourselves still sitting with Jesus under the palm. After a time, we look to Him and ask, "Lord, what can I do for you?"
Confession time ~ I never want to ask this question, because I know He will answer it every time. And more often than not, I'm less that thrilled with the response. This was no exception. There was absolutely no hesitation in His reply ~ "Love your family the way I do."
SLAP!!
Ever try to argue with God? It's pointless, I know, but sometimes I give it a whirl. Never once can I remember being successful. The trend holds here. He has just commanded me to love my family in a way that they cannot love me. How unfair is this?! Why should I have to love folks who clearly have no interest in returning the courtesy, or even seem to care whether I love them or not? Do I really have to love them as much as He does? Don't you think that's asking a bit much? Then it dawned on me that I am asking this of a man who died for people who hated Him. Asking me to love people that simply don't care seems like a petty request in comparison.
Yet, for me, this is a huge burden to carry. My spirit is at constant war with the flesh in which it is trapped, and though my spirit knows this must be done, my flesh resists with all the hurtful spite it can muster. My spirit wants to obey, but my flesh is still healing hurts and wounds. My spirit tries to love, but my flesh succumbs to the cold-heartedness it perceives. When it comes right down to it, I'm not ready to love them like He does. I'm having a hard time loving them because I have to as the family given me, let alone with the unconditional and boundless love of Christ.
I am so grateful that Jesus knows that this side of heaven we are all works in progress. He also knows that in the end, He always wins and I eventually follow where He leads ~ oftentimes kicking and screaming all along the way. In my heart of hearts, I believe that I will someday reach a place where I can love my family like He does. Unfortunately, it isn't here under this palm.
