At the start of this post it is 1145pm. I initially went to bed over 2 hours ago. In that time, I have developed migraine-grade pain behind my eyes and I can't seem to shut my mind off. The sob story of a life long insomniac.
I seem to be in the middle of one of my many episodes of "too much life in my life". All of that life is impeding on the rest of my life. Between the physical stress of surgery, the mental stress of returning to school, and the overall stress of the circumstances surrounding my life of late I have come to my brink. I feel like I am loosing my mind. All it will take is one more push to send me sailing over the edge.
I had the fortune of running into a wonderful woman at church this evening who has some small idea of what has been going on. When she asked how I was I answered honestly that I have been better. When she asked what was going on I explained, without going into detail, that I am completely overwhelmed with the current demands on my life. She told me that she has been praying for both of us these past couple of weeks, but she had felt very strongly that I was the one needing prayer. She's so intuitive. And she prayed for me again right there in the ladies' room, reminding me that for every action, especially for God, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Like both of the times I served on Kairos and was plagued by nightmares. Or last October when we served Koinonia and I had some wicked headaches. And last May when I made the incredibly irresponsible decision to stop my my antidepressant cold-turkey and endured all kinds of hoopla.
This time I have neglected myself, neglected my studies, neglected my boys. I haven't allowed my body to heal from the surgery, I haven't studied for the bio test I need to take in the next 24 hours or the algebra quiz in 48. James had a science fair project get neglected until the night before. I've been so focused on teaching the visiting dog the rules of my house that my own dog has been hoovering around me every time I sit down. We've hat a flat tire, a dead battery, a faulty starter and a fender-bender between only 3 vehicles.
At service this evening a lyric in one of the worship songs said "I'm ready for more." Be careful what you wish for.
I'm always fascinated when people call Christianity a crutch. Christianity, true Christianity, has been the longest, hardest road I've ever been on. No wonder people don't want to live it. Life was much less exciting, much more low key, but much less fulfilling, before I embarked on this journey.
And now I'm sucked into a whole new level. The pastor's wife. And I seem to be doing a bang up job, I must say. I'm known for tap dancing in steel-toed boots. Current circumstances are not exempt. It would seem the only thing I do well is piss people off by saying what I have to say in the only way I know how. And now I have the added problem of the propriety expected from this latest role. Sorry. Not getting it here. I've said before that I'm not cut for the pastor's wife cloth. If you're looking for meek, quiet, and submissive look elsewhere. Nothing about me it molded for this station. And I seem to be failing miserably at it.
And as I continue to sit here almost 2 hours after I began, I have gotten no more studying done, I've spent no more time with my boyz or dog, and I still can't sleep.
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