Who TF are you...?

Eight months ago my mother had an MRI of her brain that demonstrated the beginning changes associated with Alzheimer's disease. At that time, my husband and I began discussions about the possibility of relocating in a few years to be closer to her as the disease progressed to a point that she could no longer live independently.

Have you ever heard God laugh out loud and say, "Oh, my child. You're so cute. You actually think you have some control"? 

Three weeks ago, my mother landed in the ER, resulting in a traumatic series of events that escalated the symptoms of her dementia. As she slowly came back around to what was her previous level of cognitive ability, she and my husband discussed us moving in with her within the next several months. Gives a new appreciation to the phrase, "that escalated quickly". In the passing of a few weeks, our 3-5yr timeframe became 4-5mos.

Anyone who read my previous entry has an idea of the why. In short, my mother asked us to move in with her, and it makes more sense for several reasons for us to move in with her than for her to move in with us. And committing her to a nursing house for the rest of her life sounds like a death sentence. We can make the move, so we are making the move. What fascinates me is people's reactions when they hear the news.

Most people - good hearted, caring, empathetic people - generally respond with "I'm so sorry to hear your family is going through all of this. What can we do to help?" Right now, the best help is a strong hug and a safe space to cry. Maybe meet me for a glass of wine and let me just talk. We are trying to condense and combine 2 households, so boxes would be great. 

Other people - people whose priorities I can only question - respond with "So you're just gonna quit your jobs and move?!" "What's her prognosis? Like, how long is she gonna live after this event anyway?" "What other options have you considered?"

I beg your fucking pardon. My MOTHER has come to the conclusion that she should no longer live alone and has flat out asked us to move in with her, and I'm supposed to consider "other options"? And what concern is it of yours if we DID decide to just quit our jobs and move? And her prognosis is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!! Who the fuck are you to question our decision? It's MY mother, and OUR FAMILY will collectively decide the best course of action, thank you very much.

As if this entire life upheaving event weren't difficult enough, people we thought gave a shit now question our decision making abilities. We are breaking under the weight of what looms before us and people think of my mother like a pet that should be euthanized. Who the fuck are you? When someone decides to put their dog down, no one asks what other options they have considered. Most people would reassure them that they're doing the right thing by alleviating their beloved pet's suffering. So why is the decision to move in with my mother to improve her quality of life open for discussion? Who the fuck are you?

A perusal of the New Testament will show that Christians are charged with caring for widows and orphans. My mother is a widow who needs taken care of. Who the fuck are you to question? When Mom finally does go home to the Lord and I am left an orphan, will compassion be withheld until the appropriate level needed can be ascertained, after all of the options are weighed, and it is determined to not be a hindrance to you in any way? Who the fuck are you to put qualifiers on a plain and simple command from Christ?

We have not asked anything of anyone in regard to this decision, except to be understanding that a life changing diagnosis generally precludes a major life change, and maybe be a shoulder to cry on and a  listening ear. We certainly did not ask for anyone else's input before or after making the decision. 

An Empty Nest?

Most married couples dream about their lives as empty nesters. Days of the freedom of not being tied to a dependent's needs and coming home to the clean house I left this morning sound glorious. I once told my husband that I was worried for the empty nest because we had never been married without children. What would we talk about? He said we would find something. Now I worry that we will never have an empty nest, and not because our son decided to be a basement dweller.

Earlier this year, imaging demonstrated the signs of early stage Alzeimer's in my mother's brain. A more recent visit to a neurologist officially diagnosed her with mild dementia. The next day (literally), Mom ended up in the ER due to crippling pain in her back and leg. She was unable to stand up straight and could barely walk to the car. Several days of heavy pain meds escalated the symptoms of Mom's dementia, resulting in hallucinations and delusions. Surgical anesthesia 2 days in a row escalated the symptoms to another heightened level. More heavy pain meds tipped the scales to her becoming combative, making wild accusations because of her delusions, and landing her on the psych floor on very different medication. 

It was an eventful 2 weeks.

As Mom came out of sedation on the psych floor, she was back to the level of crazy she had been on those first pain meds, with periods of lucidity mixed in. Some eye opening conversations were had during those lucid moments. She learned that my sister and BIL had NOT robbed her blind, emptied her house, or snatched her dog right our of her arms. (Considering she knows that I'M the one taking care of the dog, one would think she would have accused ME of that one.) She learned that there had not been a break-in at the hospital, that the cops had not been running through the halls, and that she had not been arrested by Nazis or spent the night in the county lockup. She also came to the conclusion that she should no longer live independently. Then she asked my husband if he and I would move in with her.

The few people I've talked to about this have known be for many years and never thought I'd ever leave. So it's understandable that they would ask if there was a possibility of moving Mom here. There are several reasons why that makes less sense than us moving in with her. First, there is still an adult child living in our house. There are no real bedroom options for her. Second, we live in a bi-level house with lots of stairs. Mom has had 3 lumbar fusion procedures in 6mos. Probably shouldn't be doing stairs. Third, people with dementia function much better in familiar surroundings and adhering to a regular routine. For HER sake, we will be relocating to Cincinnati.

Am I happy about this? No. Am I being incredibly selfish to feel the way I do? Yes. She took care of me and my family for YEARS. Now it's my turn to take care of her. I knew earlier this year that this would be a possibility as the disease progressed, but I was expecting years from then, not months. 

When are my husband and I going to have that coveted empty nest now? Likely when we're too old and decrepit to truly enjoy it.