An Empty Nest?

Most married couples dream about their lives as empty nesters. Days of the freedom of not being tied to a dependent's needs and coming home to the clean house I left this morning sound glorious. I once told my husband that I was worried for the empty nest because we had never been married without children. What would we talk about? He said we would find something. Now I worry that we will never have an empty nest, and not because our son decided to be a basement dweller.

Earlier this year, imaging demonstrated the signs of early stage Alzeimer's in my mother's brain. A more recent visit to a neurologist officially diagnosed her with mild dementia. The next day (literally), Mom ended up in the ER due to crippling pain in her back and leg. She was unable to stand up straight and could barely walk to the car. Several days of heavy pain meds escalated the symptoms of Mom's dementia, resulting in hallucinations and delusions. Surgical anesthesia 2 days in a row escalated the symptoms to another heightened level. More heavy pain meds tipped the scales to her becoming combative, making wild accusations because of her delusions, and landing her on the psych floor on very different medication. 

It was an eventful 2 weeks.

As Mom came out of sedation on the psych floor, she was back to the level of crazy she had been on those first pain meds, with periods of lucidity mixed in. Some eye opening conversations were had during those lucid moments. She learned that my sister and BIL had NOT robbed her blind, emptied her house, or snatched her dog right our of her arms. (Considering she knows that I'M the one taking care of the dog, one would think she would have accused ME of that one.) She learned that there had not been a break-in at the hospital, that the cops had not been running through the halls, and that she had not been arrested by Nazis or spent the night in the county lockup. She also came to the conclusion that she should no longer live independently. Then she asked my husband if he and I would move in with her.

The few people I've talked to about this have known be for many years and never thought I'd ever leave. So it's understandable that they would ask if there was a possibility of moving Mom here. There are several reasons why that makes less sense than us moving in with her. First, there is still an adult child living in our house. There are no real bedroom options for her. Second, we live in a bi-level house with lots of stairs. Mom has had 3 lumbar fusion procedures in 6mos. Probably shouldn't be doing stairs. Third, people with dementia function much better in familiar surroundings and adhering to a regular routine. For HER sake, we will be relocating to Cincinnati.

Am I happy about this? No. Am I being incredibly selfish to feel the way I do? Yes. She took care of me and my family for YEARS. Now it's my turn to take care of her. I knew earlier this year that this would be a possibility as the disease progressed, but I was expecting years from then, not months. 

When are my husband and I going to have that coveted empty nest now? Likely when we're too old and decrepit to truly enjoy it.