Parents Raising Parents

 I was 6 weeks shy of my 19th birthday when I gave birth to my oldest son. I was a child raising a child, and I often say that he and I grew up together. Those early years were a challenge, to say the least. Aside from us being very young parents trying to raise a child at the poverty level, I suffered from suicidal depression and almost hurt my baby twice. 

There are some advantages to having children earlier in life, though. Our youngest graduated high school when I was 43, an age at which some of our friends were wrangling the demands and schedules of multiple school aged children. I now have freedom of time and finances that wasn't possible while raising children, as well as the relative good health to enjoy it. Being a young parent increases the likelihood of being a young grandparent, with energy and stamina to truly enjoy those young years - though I am perfectly content to wait for those precious grandbabies while spoiling my precious grandfurries. And I am honestly incredibly thankful that neither of our boys followed in our footsteps of unintended early parenthood.

So, here am I, now, at a crossroads.

Have y'all seen the meme asking the question, "Is anyone else having a hard time raising their mother? That lady don't listen."? Well, my mother listens - but she doesn't always remember.

For a little over a year now, Mom has been demonstrating signs of age related forgetfulness. She IS 70, after all. But even age appropriate signs of mental decline are red flags when there is a rampant family history of dementia, so I made mental notes when Mom asked me a question more than once or had forgotten we had already discussed a matter. A few weeks ago, however, that table was turned when she brought up a situation she believed she had already told me about but that I am 100% CERTAIN she did not.

At some point in the late summer or early fall last year, Mom had 2 separate episodes of misinterpreting what she was hearing. The first occurred when her youngest grandson was visiting. He was sitting on a step facing away from but talking to his grandmother when she suddenly couldn't understand what he was saying. She heard his voice, but the words no longer sounded like English. She said it sounded like he was speaking Russian. Well, I am here to tell you with absolute certainty that my 11yo nephew does NOT speak Russian. The second incident occurred not long afterward while she was conversing with a friend, and, once again, it sounded they were speaking Russian.

Why was I JUST hearing about this 4-5mos after the fact?! Because she honestly thought she had already told me.

Thankfully, being a retired nurse, my mother had the wits to recognize that these episodes were a matter of concern and scheduled a consult with a neurologist. The day she'd had her consult she called to "update" me on the situation that I had no idea was happening. It took a minute for me to wrap my brain around not only what was going on episodically, but also that she TRULY BELIEVED she had already told me. Oh, and she didn't want to me tell my siblings until more was known about what had caused the episodes. Considering the fact that I am not in the habit of regularly communicating with either of my sibs, that wasn't going to be an issue. However....

My sister lives 6 houses away from our mother. Mom's house is on the corner, my sis's house is in the cul-de-sac. There's not even a street that needs to be crossed for one to get to the other. I, on the other hand, live 2hrs away and require highway travel to be of any physical use. The initial concern was that Mom could be having focal seizures, but let's not tell the kid she lives closest to and would be the quickest to respond in the case of a true emergency.

Fast forward a few weeks. Mom has had an EEG and MRI of her brain. I have no point of reference for an EEG beyond understanding the usefulness of the test. The report of the results may as well be written in Russian since I wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. But the MRI, that is more my territory. Per the radiology report, Mom has damage to the speech center of her brain consistent with micro-strokes or focal seizures. At the time of this writing, the jury is still trying to sus out which is the more likely. Also, per the rad report, Mom's brain shows changes consistent with the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. Oh, and don't mention it to my siblings, yet, because Mom hasn't figured out how she's going to tell them.

The crazy train has officially left the station with my mother on board.

On one hand, my mom IS 70. She is almost a decade older than her mother was when she began displaying signs of dementia. (Her sister/my aunt is not a good comparison since her crazy has been chemically enhanced by way of rec drug use for longer than I've been alive.) She always strove to live as clean a life as she was able, never smoked or used recreational drugs, and enjoys alcohol only occasionally. She retired from nursing with a Master's degree in anesthesia and has remained physically and mentally active in her retirement. All of these life habits play in her favor and, along side modern medications, can significantly slow the progress of the disease.

On the other hand, Alzheimer's is a cruel and merciless mental decay that wreaks more havoc on the hearts of their loved ones than on the patient themself. Over the next however many years, I will watch the person my mother is now deteriorate and die, most likely before the vessel in which that person resides. And if there were a third hand to throw into the fray, heredity dictates that I, too, will likely rot mentally while causing heartache for those who love me.

Ironic sidenote: Last week I was invited to participate in a research study that intends to decode the DNA genome to determine risk factors for specific health maladies, mostly cancer markers and familial links to high cholesterol and heart disease. The consent for participation does state that ancestry will be determined, and that the results could reveal information that is unwanted or hard to hear. I wonder if Alzheimer's and my stupid connective tissue disorder will show up.

When Mom's husband passed away years ago, she decided to move closer to one of us kids. The 3 of us live in different areas of the state, and she did look at options near each of us, ultimately settling on being close to our sister. I don't know what criteria Mom used to make the decision, but I would guess some of it had to do with the fact that my sister has the youngest of the grandchildren and the most able-bodied spouse, all of which could help Mom with general upkeep of house and home. But my sister has proven that she is either blissfully ignorant to or refuses to acknowledge the level of care our mother will be needing over time. 

Less than a year ago, when Mom had shoulder surgery my sister was creeped out at simply helping her get dressed with her arm in the sling. In the weeks before the surgery, I contacted my sister to ask what care, if any, she had planned on helping with. She had thought of making extra portions for dinners to share with Mom and helping her with personal hygiene, but never considered care of the animals - feeding, walking, one is on insulin - or assisting with the everyday activities of living life. So I took a week+ of FMLA to take care of Mom post op. Either my sister needs to get her head wrapped around and be willing to do what is needed for Mom as this disease progresses, or else either my mother or myself will need to be relocated.

Kids raising kids. Care for the caregiver. These are concepts society is both familiar and concerned with. But parenting parents isn't as visible. Yes, it falls under the overall umbrella of "care for the caregiver", but "parenting parents" feels so much more specific. I am fortunate in the timing of events in my life. I am no longer responsible for children in my home, nor do I yet have grandchildren, so I am able to focus on mothering my mother if that is what is needed in this moment.