Aimless

It feels as if for the entirety of my adult life I have been running full tilt. Parents of school aged children, especially ones involved in extracurriculars, are always juggling responsibilities. Working to pay the bills, working to keep up the house, working to raise decent human beings, and then, maybe, finding time for extended family, friends, and most importantly yourself. Always something needing done, sometimes a crisis to quell, often on the brink of exhaustion. My sweet handsome hunny and I have been married for over 28 years, but never without our children.

The last several years have been kick in the teeth after kick in the ass, and then kicked again while we were down. Loosing parents, a child moving 1,100 miles away, a motorcycle accident, several life changing diagnosis, and major surgery are just some highlights. Helping aging parents and adult children navigate their changing lives in tandem has been an interesting road to travel. All this on top of work, church, and ministry expectations made life overwhelming at times.

Yet now I sit in a boat adrift in a vast ocean, unsure of where I am, let alone where I'm headed.

Our plan to move to Cincinnati has been canceled. Family drama. (Read "bull shit".) The short story is that my sister made it VERY clear that our help was not only unnecessary but also unappreciated. So after over a year to driving between Columbus and Cincinnati almost weekly, those trips came to an unexpected and abrupt halt. Though I talk to my mother regularly, I have not visited her in almost 5mos because my sister made it clear that I was also unwelcome.

A twisted outcome of this falling out is that we are now on hiatus from ministry. My husband gave notice at the church where he pastored in anticipation of moving, a replacement was found, and a send off was given. There are reasons why we feel it inappropriate to return to that church now. As a result we a taking a much needed break. Though, admittedly, it feels weird to me. It's been years since not having weekend obligations, and planning on being somewhere on Sunday morning is just another thing I'm not doing right now.

Our youngest child is now in his early 20s. He lives at home at the moment, but there are plans for him to move out in a couple of months. My husband and I are truly on the brink of having an empty nest. Our son lives a pretty independent life already, and is out of the house frequently, so we've had tastes of our own independence here and there. Add "constant parenting" to the list of things I'm no longer doing, as well as all of the responsibilities that go along with it, like constantly cleaning my house.

For so long life has been chaos. Now, suddenly it seems, there is calm in my world, and I have NO IDEA how to function in it. I feel aimless. Not without purpose, but without direction. I know I should embrace and enjoy the freed up time in my life, especially since it is only a matter of time until we are provided with new marching orders. But it is such a foreign concept, so alien to me, that I don't know how. Honestly, I'm quite out of sorts and don't care for it at all.