I believe in miracles. Not just the ones that occur everyday ~ the creation of new life, the survival of teenagers, and the like ~ but the more magnificent as well ~ the terminal cancer patient's spontaneous recovery, the survival of teenagers, and the like.
Hand in hand with this, I believe in the spiritual gifts as made known in 1 Corinthians. Admittedly, it has taken quite some time to accept the existence of these supernatural gifts, and even more time to move beyond being freaked out by the witnessing of some of the more extraordinary gifts (speaking in tongues, for example.) But I have no doubt that believers have been endowed with individual spiritual gifting. I do, however, doubt my own endowment.
As a massage therapist, I touch and facilitate the betterment and well-being of people every day. I believe that I have been gifted with the innate ability to encourage a body to release stress, be comforted, and move toward healing itself through truly caring touch. This is not the spiritual gift of healing. My husband, by contrast, believes wholeheartedly that God had bestowed on me the gift of healing, but I have yet to fully embrace it.
Always, I have shrugged off my husband's conviction, claiming that I don't work miracles, I only do the best I can with what I'm given. I do believe that on occasion, God has used me to administer a miraculous healing, but that does not prove possession of the spiritual gift ~ it only means that in that moment and for that body, He saw fit to work His miracle through me. According to my husband, these are glimpses of the grander gift that I, for whatever reason, refuse to fully unwrap and recognize.
And then, I had an epiphany.
At Bible study, one of our group was dealing with serious hip pain, and it was suggested that the group pray over her for healing. I put one hand on her hip, but said nothing audible as far as prayer. As I sat there, hand on hip, silently praying, my mind began to wander (a common occurrence for this ADHD girl), and though the thoughts that came to mind had nothing to do with the immediate situation, they were enlightening, nonetheless. When outward prayer concluded, and our "patient" was asked how she was feeling, she commented on how hot my hand had become. I explained that heat exchange is a normal occurrence in body work, but she claimed that my hand had gotten much hotter than the others touching her during prayer. This opened the door to my husband's soap box and led to discussion of my untapped spiritual gift. When the group dispersed, I explained to my husband my revelation.
God has indeed blessed me with the spiritual gift of healing. But I am unable to let the supernatural gift work through me.
And here's why.
Head knowledge.
Yes, academic, scholastic learning has hindered my ability to recognize the possibility of the miraculous.
Here is a perfect example. During a recent women's conference, a video was shown of a women with an obviously short leg. The shot was of her feet, one visibly higher than then other, being held by a small group leader who prayed only that she would know Christ's love ~ he hadn't specifically prayed for healing of any kind, only that she would know and feel Him. Over a period of several seconds, we watched in awe as the higher foot dropped and eventually came even with the other. Everyone in the video, and in the room with me, gasped and applauded the goodness of God's miraculous, healing grace...as I sat there physiologically analyzing and justifying what had happened. "Maybe he was applying enough of a pull to her leg to release the soft tissue that had caused her hips to rotate and give the illusion that one leg was shorter."
Really?
This is what I do all the time. The acquired book knowledge has me searching for a logical, anatomical, physiological explanation ~ and when one can't be found, I chalk it up to my own insufficient worldly knowledge. I simply do not consider that the seemingly unexplainable connections could possibly be the divine at work. What's worse is that even though I now recognize the stumbling block, I have no idea how to remove it. How does one, to quote Yoda, "unlearn what you have learned"?
Thus, the battle for control of my healing ability rages. And for the time being, academia has the stronger footing. Reliance on book knowledge has served well over the years and, out of habit, is my first resource. Unfortunately, it remains the only resource as I struggle to remember to consider that there is another greater resource more immediately available.
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