“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
I grew up in
faith, learning at an early age that I was a beloved daughter of God and
believing that Christ was my Lord and Savior.
Yet, as a strong-willed, spiteful teen, I walked away from the church of
my youth. Though I never stopped
believing in the existence of God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy
Spirit, what I believed about them became skewed.
I left the
church just before beginning my senior year of high school. By graduation, I was pregnant ~ and
devastated. All of my hopes and dreams
for the future had just been dahsed.
What had I done to deserve this?
How many of my friends were far more promiscuous than I was and not
being punished this severely? I truly
believed that God was enjoying torturing me for some hideous sin that I was not
aware of and therefore could not repent of.
I prayed that if he would just reveal to me what I had done I would
repent so He could make this all go away.
These were the first few steps into “the valley”.
It was also
the beginning of my decent into the deep, dark abyss that is suicidal
depression. I would spend the next 3.5
years at the bottom of this abyss, during which time I almost killed my son
twice and planned the ending of my own life while selfishly taking him with
me. It can only be attributed to the
grace of God that either of us survived this very real “valley of the shadow of
death”.
But because
I was not walking with the Lord at that time, I did fear. I feared the evil inside myself, the horrible
person I believed myself to be. And though
I did believe that I was being disciplined, there was no comfort, because I
felt as if God was abusing me for His enjoyment.
Though I was
eventually treated for the depression, my twisted beliefs about God remained.
Several
years later, our family ended up again in a significant “valley”. Amongst other trials and tribulations, we
were being kicked out of the house in which we were living, my husband was
diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic attacks, and I had gotten into a
physical altercation with my brother that left me with a cracked shin
bone. It felt as if our lives were
caught in a wildly out of control downward spiral.
As I lay with my broken leg propped
on the couch in our new living room while in the throes of an insomniac attack,
I had a sudden clarity of vision. I had
spent 9 years running from God, and all the while He had been chasing me. He hadn’t been torturing me; He had been
trying to get my attention. Now, in the
midst of this particular “valley”, He had it, and I did an about-face and
sprinted into His loving arms. God didn’t
change my situation; He didn’t make it all go away. But He held me tight and reassured me that He
would guide me through this valley.
A few years later, I found life again
to be overwhelming and was again treated for depression. This time, however, I was walking with the
Lord and believed that He would use this experience to grow me. After a time, I felt inspired and well enough
to end my treatment, though, admittedly, I did not go about it in the smartest
way. I stopped my medication cold-turkey. I was woefully unprepared for the severity of
mental, physical, and spiritual side effects of this incredibly irresponsible
decision. In my weakened physical and
disconnected, loopy mental states I had opened myself up to intense spiritual
attack, the likes of which I have never experienced before or since. It was an onslaught of menacing faces and evil
voices. My mind had become a battlefield. This was truly a “valley of the shadow of
death”, the death of my soul.
Yet, I knew the Lord was with me, leading me through this valley. By focusing on the Lord and His promises, I was
able to regain my footing and push forward through the battle. It was a very LONG valley, but I never
feared, for He was with me every step of the way. I was comforted knowing that when I became
weary from the battle He would carry me.
And when He brought me to the other side, I gave Him all the glory.
I’d like for you to consider this
quote from Perry Noble, Head Pastor of New Spring Church and author of Overwhelmed:
Winning the War Against Worry.
“Those times when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death can
be precious, because they remind us that He is the author of life.”
