Family Matters

I should be doing homework right now.  I've got a paper to write and a chapter to read, chapter review questions to answer and an exam to study for.  Yet, here I sit, not doing any of it.  My sick teenager was in bed by 730 this evening, which is the other place I could be right now considering the sinus crud I've been fighting the last couple of days.  Yet, here I sit, not getting any real rest.

It's not as if I would sleep anyway.  My mind is racing, which is nothing unusual.  As a lifelong insomniac, I have always had trouble shutting my brain down.  Tonight I am plagued by an internal conflict, one which I cannot win by any of the choices before me.

Today I was informed of our grandfather's passing.  Considering I have had no real relationship with the man for several years, this news was not particularly upsetting to me.  My heart hurts for those who mourn him, but I mourned the loss of this relationship years ago.  In fact, I'm not even 100% certain of the last time I saw our grandfather.

It seems to have been our grandfather's wish to be cremated.  If this was not his wish, it is that of his surviving children.  Initially, I was told that there would be no memorial service.  In a weird way, this made some sense since I had found out via facebook that there had been a large 90th birthday party for him back in July.  I only know about it because a relative posted pictures.  That relative has since unfriended and blocked me, which I find fascinating since that relative sent me the initial friend request and I can't think of any reason I may have given them to unfriend and block me, but whatever.  So, the real family sort of had their chance to remember the good times of his life while he was still with them.  But then I was informed by someone else that there was to be something of a memorial in a couple of days.  Hence my dilemma.

Do I go to the service to merely put in face-time to a family that has essentially ignored me for years, or do I not?

Truth be told, I feel no obligation to be there.  In fact, I feel it to be almost hypocritical to "pay my last respects" to a man I have not respected with my time or presence in many years.  Some might say I have an obligation to comfort the family who mourns.  You mean that family that has ignored me for the last several years?  The people who have had countless "family" events - bon fires, holidays, fairs and festivals - that I was never invited to?  The ones who drive literally right past my house en route to my brother's but never think to call to say, "Hey, I'm passing through.  Do you happen to be home?"  Please explain to me why I should pour myself into people who do not seem to even care that I exist.  Would they care if I was at the memorial?  Would they even want me there?

But then, if I DON'T go, will I be labeled the schmuck who didn't come to her grandfather's memorial?  The rogue grandchild who continues to disrespect her grandfather, his family, and his memory?  The defiant child who refuses to support her father in his time of loss and mourning?

Probably.

Therein lies the conflict.  Do I continue to be true to myself and be outcast (tho, let's be honest, that has already occurred) or put up a false front for the benefit of people who probably couldn't care less.  Fabulous choices, yes?

God bless my husband.  He assumed we'd be making a whirlwind trip in a couple of days and was quite confused when I ask him why we should.  I suppose I didn't realize that he didn't realize the extent of the hurt I feel.  But when I thought about it, I realized that there are so many things about how my family has treated me that he doesn't know.  All of the get-togethers that I found out about by accident because someone mentioned off-handedly that I missed a really good time.  Well, maybe I could have been there had I known about it.  All the shin-digs I was never invited to because someone didn't think I could get a Saturday off.  Well, if I'd been given some notice I may have been able to finagle it.  None of these situations surprise me anymore, so they are not worth mentioning when they occur.

But they still hurt like hell.

So again I ask someone to explain to me my obligation to hold people who have kept me at far greater than arm's length.

Because it's my Christian duty?  Because it's what Christ would do?  Maybe.  But I have absolutely no problem admitting my fallen human state and to the fact that I will NEVER in this lifetime reach Christ's level of selfless righteousness.  He knows better than anyone that I must often be dragged kicking and screaming in the direction of His righteousness because it is the last place I want to be.  I am quite content, at times, to wallow in my humanness.  I will freely admit that this is one of those times.

Even before I began this writing I knew what my decision would be.  The misery of the whole shenanigans is that neither decision will bring me peace.  Just like our most recent election, there is no lesser evil ~ simply a different evil.  And evil never brings peace, only conflict in its wake.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Home From Cincy

It had already been a long day in the car.  The round trip to my sis's house is close to 4.5 hrs, and we needed to travel from there another 30ish minutes out and then back before heading home.  Per the usual division, James was riding back with Joshua and Ty was riding with me.  As I was passing the time listening to a podcast, Ty was playing a game on his tablet.  Par for his course when he gets frustrated with a game, Ty began to vocalize his discontent.  I turned off the podcast to ask him about what he was playing.

Anyone else play Plague Inc.?  From what little I learned about the game, it seems to be one of strategizing an infection capable of eradicating life on earth.  Why my child is playing something that seems so dark is anyone's guess.  As his infection progressed, he asked me what anemia, hemophilia, and necrosis were.  (These are things he is going to become WELL acquainted with when he gets into nursing school.)  And as the infection progressed, I became more curious about this game.

The creator of the infection can customize it, make it evolve and adapt as it progresses and causes more fatality.  The creator can also cause it to originate anywhere on the map.  One trend we noticed through his failed attempts at the wanton destruction of life is that he couldn't get the infection into Greenland.  First I suggested that maybe the infection couldn't survive the extreme cold.  He hadn't considered that and made the adaptation when the game allowed.  He still lost that round.  When I suggested starting the infection in a county close to Greenland, he took a look at the game map and saw that only Norway and Iceland had any real contact with Greenland and decided on Norway.  He lost that round, too.  Then he decided to try originating the infection in Iceland.

Did I mention that the creator can also name the infection?  I don't know what name he had been using, but he said he'd had better luck when he used the name Ultron.  I told him if he really wanted to use a name that struck fear in hearts of men he should call it Mom.  He said, "Or Banshee."  (As an aside, Banshee is the "b-word" Ty IS allowed to call me.  It's an inside joke, and almost a term of endearment, so don't ask and don't judge.)

So Ty originated the Banshee infection in Iceland and watched its painfully slow progress the rest of the drive home, which really wasn't too much longer.  Once home, I put the game out of my mind and moved on to other things that demanded my attention.  Until, while running an errand, I got a text from Ty.  I hope you will find the following conversation as entertaining as I did.

Ty:  IT FINALLY GOT INTO GREENLAND!!!
Me:  Congrats!!!  Where'd you start it this time?
Ty:  Still on the round where it started in Iceland.  It took forever, but it finally got in.
Me:  How's it spreading otherwise?
Ty:  Rapidly, actually.
Me:  Nice to know we have successfully brainstormed an infection that could possibly eradicate the human race.
Ty:  We're probably on a watch list now thanks to this conversation.  Congratulations, Banshee has wiped out all life on earth.  Didn't know you were that powerful.
Me:  Never underestimate your momma.

Apparently, I am an all powerful destroyer of life.  Who knew?