I should be doing homework right now. I've got a paper to write and a chapter to read, chapter review questions to answer and an exam to study for. Yet, here I sit, not doing any of it. My sick teenager was in bed by 730 this evening, which is the other place I could be right now considering the sinus crud I've been fighting the last couple of days. Yet, here I sit, not getting any real rest.
It's not as if I would sleep anyway. My mind is racing, which is nothing unusual. As a lifelong insomniac, I have always had trouble shutting my brain down. Tonight I am plagued by an internal conflict, one which I cannot win by any of the choices before me.
Today I was informed of our grandfather's passing. Considering I have had no real relationship with the man for several years, this news was not particularly upsetting to me. My heart hurts for those who mourn him, but I mourned the loss of this relationship years ago. In fact, I'm not even 100% certain of the last time I saw our grandfather.
It seems to have been our grandfather's wish to be cremated. If this was not his wish, it is that of his surviving children. Initially, I was told that there would be no memorial service. In a weird way, this made some sense since I had found out via facebook that there had been a large 90th birthday party for him back in July. I only know about it because a relative posted pictures. That relative has since unfriended and blocked me, which I find fascinating since that relative sent me the initial friend request and I can't think of any reason I may have given them to unfriend and block me, but whatever. So, the real family sort of had their chance to remember the good times of his life while he was still with them. But then I was informed by someone else that there was to be something of a memorial in a couple of days. Hence my dilemma.
Do I go to the service to merely put in face-time to a family that has essentially ignored me for years, or do I not?
Truth be told, I feel no obligation to be there. In fact, I feel it to be almost hypocritical to "pay my last respects" to a man I have not respected with my time or presence in many years. Some might say I have an obligation to comfort the family who mourns. You mean that family that has ignored me for the last several years? The people who have had countless "family" events - bon fires, holidays, fairs and festivals - that I was never invited to? The ones who drive literally right past my house en route to my brother's but never think to call to say, "Hey, I'm passing through. Do you happen to be home?" Please explain to me why I should pour myself into people who do not seem to even care that I exist. Would they care if I was at the memorial? Would they even want me there?
But then, if I DON'T go, will I be labeled the schmuck who didn't come to her grandfather's memorial? The rogue grandchild who continues to disrespect her grandfather, his family, and his memory? The defiant child who refuses to support her father in his time of loss and mourning?
Probably.
Therein lies the conflict. Do I continue to be true to myself and be outcast (tho, let's be honest, that has already occurred) or put up a false front for the benefit of people who probably couldn't care less. Fabulous choices, yes?
God bless my husband. He assumed we'd be making a whirlwind trip in a couple of days and was quite confused when I ask him why we should. I suppose I didn't realize that he didn't realize the extent of the hurt I feel. But when I thought about it, I realized that there are so many things about how my family has treated me that he doesn't know. All of the get-togethers that I found out about by accident because someone mentioned off-handedly that I missed a really good time. Well, maybe I could have been there had I known about it. All the shin-digs I was never invited to because someone didn't think I could get a Saturday off. Well, if I'd been given some notice I may have been able to finagle it. None of these situations surprise me anymore, so they are not worth mentioning when they occur.
But they still hurt like hell.
So again I ask someone to explain to me my obligation to hold people who have kept me at far greater than arm's length.
Because it's my Christian duty? Because it's what Christ would do? Maybe. But I have absolutely no problem admitting my fallen human state and to the fact that I will NEVER in this lifetime reach Christ's level of selfless righteousness. He knows better than anyone that I must often be dragged kicking and screaming in the direction of His righteousness because it is the last place I want to be. I am quite content, at times, to wallow in my humanness. I will freely admit that this is one of those times.
Even before I began this writing I knew what my decision would be. The misery of the whole shenanigans is that neither decision will bring me peace. Just like our most recent election, there is no lesser evil ~ simply a different evil. And evil never brings peace, only conflict in its wake.
