I never sleep well away from home, especially when my sleeping arrangement is a cot or mattress on the floor, which is usually the arrangements at these retreats. Friday night was no exception. Though it was after midnight by the time I got to bed, and though I was exhausted, sleep did not come easily. Combine that with the fact that my wake-up time was 545 and Saturday started off on a dissonant note. The wonderful thing about dissonance is that it can work as long as it fits into the harmony that surrounds it. Thankfully, that was the case. We had gotten so much prep done the night before that the morning ran pretty smoothly. And we were fortunate to work with an experienced kitchen crew.
Uncharacteristically, I am told, there was quite a bit of down time in the kitchen between meals. There is always a flurry of prep immediately before a meal, an adrenaline rush during the serving, and then the seemingly never ending parade of dishes during clean-up. But the crew was awesome and efficient, which allowed time for naps, which I took advantage of, and visiting the prayer room, which everyone else took advantage of. Personally, I was not looking forward to visiting the prayer room.
Earlier in the morning, before the official rush of brunch, some light breakfast foods were prepped and taken to the disciples in the prayer room. While we were there, my fellow kitchen worker suggested that we stay for a few minutes to be prayed over. Ok, I thought, there is safety in numbers and I felt better being prayed for as a unit rather than an individual at that point. Once again we were anointed with oil. The disciple that prayed for us sat on the other side of my co-worker and spoke so softly that I couldn't always make out what was being said ~ which was fine because the headache I was getting interfered with my concentration anyway. This was the second time my head felt like it might explode.
Throughout the rest of the day, as down time presented itself, I was encouraged to visit the disciples. I opted to nap instead. One of my roomies brought her young kitten and, though he was confined to a kitty playpen or was sleeping his owners bunk, he was a comforting presence. I love being surrounded by my own pets when I'm feeling beaten down. They don't have to be in my lap or touching me otherwise, just their presence on the back of the chair or couch is comforting enough.
As I was coming back from my nap, Josh was coming back from his turn with the disciples. He wasn't wearing his glasses, so I knew he'd been crying, but by the look on his face I also knew the tear were for positive reasons. He seemed overwhelmed, in a good way, by the prayer experience, and at once both exhausted and energized. That's the strange thing about prayer, it can be draining physically while at the same time rejuvenating spiritually. At some point, the spiritual energy refuels the physical and the body is able to get back to work. On this spiritual high, Josh was all the more persistent that I visit the disciples. Thankfully, there was work to be done now and I was able to buy time.
Truth be told, I was afraid to visit the prayer room on behalf of myself. First of all, there is a feeling of selfishness when I ask for prayer for myself. As a healthcare professional, I understand and take for advantage of "care for the caregiver". If a person fails to care for themselves, they cannot give themselves fully to the care of others. I understand and embrace this on a physical level, with no problems asking others to assist in my bodily healing, so why do I feel so guilty focusing on my own spiritual care? I am almost hyper-vigilant about taking care of my body so that I can take care of the bodies of my patients. Why can't I do the same for my spirit, so that I can more fully take care of the spirits of those around me?
Secondly, I knew there was a battle raging within me ~ and I wasn't confident that I could withstand what may come of intense prayer. My last round of spiritual warfare was fresh in my mind and the thought of experiencing that kind of pain again was not appealing to me. According to scientific law, for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction. I was terrified that when God showed up to fight the battle within the demon inside would rise to the occasion with everything it had, and that I would be ripped apart.
Dinner prep and service came and went, as did the other non-food related commitments of the staff for the evening. Finally, I had run out of reasons to put off going to the disciples, and since I had told Josh I would go after the events of the evening wound down, he wouldn't let me go to bed until I went to the disciples.
There are 12 disciples on the retreat weekend who are essentially prayer warriors, praying around the clock for individuals who seek them out, but also for the participants and the group at large. Since the retreat is 48 hours long, and no one expects these 12 folks to go that long with no rest, the disciples man the prayer room in shifts. As luck would have it, the disciple who stared into my soul the week before was there, staring into my soul again.
I sat in the chair of honor, so to speak, and was asked what I was requesting prayer for. I couldn't answer the question. The tears were already fighting to escape, but the words were not. Someone asked if I needed healing, and I could only nod. Then I was asked what the healing was for, but I still couldn't answer. I looked to Josh, hoping he would speak for me, and even though he knew what I'd been struggling with, he said nothing. After a moment of silence, touch was upon me and the praying began. There were a few general prayers for healing lifted up before Josh finally spoke directly to the release he knew I needed.
That's when I was hit ~ literally, it seemed. A pain suddenly arose that felt as if I'd taken a baseball launched from a pitching rifle to the left side of my head ~ and I'm pretty sure I winced. A moment later, there was the warmth of a hand perfectly over the pain, and right there, along the side of my forehead, I could physically feel the battle for my mind.
I don't know how long I sat there, feeling the pain in my head and the ripping at my heart. It felt like forever. Then, the pain in my head faded, so subtly that it took me a moment to acknowledge it, and the tearing at my heart was replaced with peace. Once the spirit in the room settled, the conversation of what others discerned ensued. It was intriguing what others were able to see in me. I haven't processed it fully yet, but everything that was said resounded with me.
Sleep came quickly that night, despite being away from home and on a cot. I was physically exhausted from the work of the day and emotionally drained for the experience of prayer. The allergy meds and PM pain killer helped, I'm sure. Finally, I was able to rest.
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