Waking up on Sunday morning was still a struggle, even though I'd actually gotten some sleep. Once up and moving, though, I felt pretty good. It's amazing what healing prayer and a little rest can do for the body.
It was still dark, and a bit chilly, as I walked from the dorm to the dining building. Coffee was brewed, oatmeal and grits were cooked, and the walk back to the prayer room was dimly lit by the red hues of the very early sunrise coming through the trees. There was no hesitation this time when I got to the door, no apprehension about the possibility of the suggestion of staying for prayer. In fact, there was a lightness within me that I hadn't felt in weeks.
As the day progressed, and our work wrapped up, I reflected more on the previous 24 hours ~ and I became frustrated with myself. I had spent the entire first half of the weekend letting my demon get the better of me, letting it tell me that I wasn't worth healing, that everyone else was more important. I let my demon convince me that I would not be able to handle the battle if I called down the thunder, as if I would even be the one fighting.
Ironically, I neglected the inspiration for the tattoo on my hand. In Aramaic it reads "be still". Most people immediately think of the Psalm that says "be still and know that I am the Lord", but for me, the significance comes from Exodus. As the Isrealites were pursued by the Egyptians, they were halted by the Red Sea, and there they complained to Moses that he should have left them in Egypt, where they'd had it so much better as slaves. Imagine, they actually thought it was better to be beaten and abused instead of crossing a sea into the Promised Land! In the midst of their grumblings, Moses reminded the Isrealites that God would fight for them, if only they would be still and allow Him to.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14 Interestingly, this verse is immediately followed-up by "Then the LORD said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.'" In other words, yes, the Lord will for us, but sometimes we need to make a move. We can't just wallow in our pity party and cry to God, waiting for His deliverance to be plopped in our lap. We must get off our duff and take a step ~ which usually needs to be out of His way. It took being prodded by my fellow kitchen workers, being pushed by my husband, and a lot of self-pep-talk for me to take that step. But once I made it, I then only needed to keep myself out of God's warpath. I may have been the battleground, but I was not the warrior.
Throughout the rest of the retreat, my heart was able to fully acknowledge and bask in the presence of the spirit. Thankfully, this was more than enough to overcome the disappointment I'd felt for succumbing to that small dark voice for so long. I felt to some extent like I had allowed myself to be robbed of this washing in the spirit during that first day, but I needed to let that go, knowing that the potential guilt was another potential stumbling block.
The last few hours that we were all together were some of the most intriguing. Another teammate, who had been serving in an entirely different capacity, told me that she'd felt a nudge to pray with me all weekend, but she'd not been particularly obedient about listening. She had served on the team when I was a participant, but we never really spoke that weekend, and since we were serving in different areas on this team, our paths never really crossed. So I'm not sure why she felt nudged toward me. Also during that time, several people told me how beautiful I was. This compliment always leaves me disconcerted. I told Josh that I'm used to hearing it from him, and I always appreciate hearing him say it, but I'm always uncomfortable when it comes from other people. When he asked me why I told him it was because I don't see it ~ I don't believe it about myself. I don't believe I'm ugly, but beautiful is not a word I would ever use to describe myself. Finally, I knew I was in for it when the soul-peeping disciple asked if we might get together sometime after the weekend to talk more.
Once again, God showed up in full force. He always does at these junctions in our journey. "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Matt 18:20 Imagine when 45-60 gather for days at time. That's why I love to serve at these events ~ because God pours so much into me that I can't help but pour it out into others. My body leaves these weekend exhausted, but my soul leaves renewed.
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